Strange as it may sound, it takes effort to get used to things that were once familiar, as anyone who has lived away from his home country for a few years would agree.  While he may instinctively fit into the social tapestry of his home, he also carries with him unseen mental baggages from his wearied journeys elsewhere.

The last three years or so were spent back in my home country.  Mandatory military service took up the first two years.  The remainder was spent in my present job.  The surroundings have changed, and so have I.  I had my taste of an office worker’s life in the first two years.  I was fortunate that regimentation wasn’t enforced very strictly.  It was one of the best vocations a conscript can hope for.  It looked just like a typical office outfit, if not for the presence of uniformed officers.  Some of my former colleagues worked long hours, and sometimes I wasn’t sure if that was at all necessary.  Like most workplaces, petty politicking had its place, but I was able to get myself under the radar most of the time.

In contrast, my present workplace seems very different.  Yet they are similar in some ways.  For example, we don’t work long hours, and politicking is almost non-existent.  Perhaps researchers and engineers get along with each other better?

Months back, I signed up for the GRE subject test on impulse, when I decided that ambitions aren’t the things one should compromise.  I’d decided to apply to grad school.  I registered for the test and began my review of almost everything I’ve learnt about physics in college.  It went well the first few weeks, but I got drawn into the habit of procrastinating, and now I’m not making much daily progress.  Life has gone back to normal.

And here’s what my “normal” life entails.  I’d wake up before 6 in the morning and set off for work.  When I get home from work, I’d feel so physically and mentally drained that I’d sometimes fall asleep promptly.  Otherwise, I’ll find time to read news sites, books, practice on my instruments, etc..  Weekends aren’t that different — the same routine only becomes more protracted.  Wasn’t I supposed to study?

It isn’t extremely appealing to have to relearn the entire undergraduate physics curriculum in a matter of months.  It feels like going back to grade school.  Yet I can’t neglect the preparation entirely.  There’s just too much I’ve forgotten over the three years away from college.

However, there’s no one I know whom I can turn to if I need help.  Since I’m in a working in a field with little connection with what I need to study for, my working peers are of little help.

It is not that I lack time.  I consider myself lucky to be working in a lab where overtime hours are relatively rare, compared to friends in other jobs.  A lot of my co-workers, including the bosses, see the wisdom of not staying back unnecessarily.  Besides, a good number of them have families and kids to care for, which is a good thing because they can’t get totally consumed by work and propagate unhealthy working habits.  The unmarried folks don’t work their butts off either.  We get plenty of time to complete our tasks and no hard deadlines are set.

College was of course, a different world, not that there wasn’t any similarities between that and the working world.  Life never got boring.  If things got monotonous, it would all end by the end of the semester.  I liked how my schedule experienced a “reboot” once every semester and I never felt stuck.  I was in a place where my peers motivated me just by the right amount — not so much that I became sorely jealous, nor so little that school life became a party.  I had many role models from the students and professors alike.  I genuinely felt something positive was coming out from the late nights and hard work I’ve put in.  Being in a liberal arts environment also meant I had much latitude to explore subjects outside my specialization.  I felt constantly enriched.  Then, life was going somewhere.

In recent years, things have become far too comfortable.  Amongst my co-workers, I can hardly find someone as driven as some of my college friends, nor can I easily find people who share my interests.  I no longer feel as eager to learn.  I’m not feeling intellectually fulfilled.  I feel I’m descending into mediocrity.

This paragraph from a book I just finished reading has a timely piece of advice:

“A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.  Have the courage to evaluate your job, to demand more from it, to put it on probation when it is failing you, and to terminate it when necessary.  Dream job or no, you have a right to change your mind.”

I need to reclaim what I’ve lost.

I’ve probably said this before:  I should get off my ass and move on.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)